Miroku's Guide to Women
by Sanjou Tsubame and Peach Tea
Summary: Miroku's certain he's got the handle on women. Though, just maybe, this is going a little bit too far....


DISCLAIMER. 'Bame: Neither Peach nor I own Inuyasha. Inuyasha belongs to Takahashi Rumiko-sama, and we have no intentionof stealing it. Is that even possible, anyway? I mean, it's not a material thing, really... INYHOO, we don't own _I Am_ or _Fukai Mori_ either. 

:-x-: _I Am_ plays :-x-:

Inuyasha's voice: "Eh? What's that? Miroku's written a book? No, not a book? Okay, a scroll, then? Miroku's written a 'sacred' scroll, and it's about. . . .women. . . .And he's making Kagome edit it! That conniving PERVERT! I'm going to KILL HIM, in. . .

Miroku's Guide to Women."

Kagome sat against the trunk of a sturdy, sappy evergreen, breathing deeply the fresh midsummer air as Sango bathed in the hotspring a short way off and Inuyasha and Shippou were out finding food.

"Ahem. . . .lady Kagome?"

She turned at the sound of her companion Miroku's voice addressing her. "Miroku? What is it?"

He sighed, reaching into the folds of his garb. From within them he drew a small scroll, thrusting it towards her.

"I was wondering if you could. . . .edit this."

"Huh? But what is--"

"I thank you for your assistance, lady Kagome! You are too kind, really! Now I have some business I really must attend to, but I shall be back soon! I await your verdict with only anticipation!" He shot off.

Kagome sighed, looking down into her lap, to read. . .

_Miroku's Guide to Women  
1. FUNDAMENTAL RULES  
x You CAN have them all--just don't let them know. Remember, it's only dirty if you get caught.  
x She IS the most important part of your life. Even if she isn't, she is when she asks.  
x Compliments are compliments. Whether or not they are true is a matter not to be discussed at the time of giving them._

_2. FROM DATES TO MARRIAGE  
Asking her Out  
x You are THE. Guy. To. Have. If she doesn't believe it, she isn't worth it. This is very important to remember.  
x Turn up the charm. You know exactly what I mean. Shuffling feet, big eyes, hands clasped behind your back. Think about something hentai so you blush. They like that.  
x Choose your words carefully. They speak for your heart. _

Your First Date  
x Your ability not to rush is your lifeline. PRESERVE IT, DAMMIT.  
x Be flirtatious. Be oh-so-very-flirtatious. You got it, it's time to bring out the sly eyes, dashing manner, three barrels of hair gel. Go for it.  
x As you talk, stare into her eyes and imagine what she'd look like in that NICE kimono you saw in that store the other day. The desired effect of this is for your eyes to go slightly our of focus. They call it a 'dreamy stare'. They like it. Avoid drooling at all costs.  
**  
**_Other Dates After That  
x Appear sincere and admiring. Get the 'shyly comfortable' thing going around your fifth date, and take it from there.  
x Buy her jewelery. They like things that match their eyes. They REALLY like it when you tell them you got something BECAUSE it matches their eyes.  
x Always listen to what she's saying. If you simply cannot endure her incessant babbling, smiling and nodding will suffice.  
_**  
**_When the Time is Right a.k.a. when you can't stand it any longer  
x Get down on one knee.  
x Open a small box to reveal a beautiful ring.  
x Ask her if she will bear your child._

_3. GIFTS FOR THE LOVELY LADIES  
For the Cutesy Cutie  
x hair ribbons  
x cinnamon buns  
x music boxes_

_For the Dazzling Damsel  
x glittering baubles  
x multi-layer cakes  
x hairbrush sets_

_For the Shadowy Shoujo  
x silver chains  
x salty snacks  
x dark leather journals_

_For the Warrior Babe  
x evil-opposing amulets  
x healthy foods  
x weapons_

_4. THE GOLDEN RULE OF ALL RELATIONSHIPS  
Your image is everything. You are nothing._

Kagome stared. Kagome burst out laughing. Kagome took a bright red pen out of her pack, grinning fiendishly.

This was going to be FUN.

.:zxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzx:.

Half an hour later, Miroku returned from his 'business' to find Kagome napping at the tree's base, his scroll and one of her modern pens beside her. He picked up the scroll, mentally preparing himself for any notes of harsh, accusing criticism she may have added in the margins.

There was only one such note, though it wasn't in the margins.

_5. In your dreams._

Kagome's voice: "Uh oh! Things aren't looking good for Miroku, seeing as Inuyasha's going to try to kill him! See you next time, in _Inuyasha Tries to Kill Miroku_."

:-x-: _Fukai Mori_ plays :-x-:

'Bame: There won't actually be an 'Inuyasha Tries to Kill Miroku.' Hope you all liked our first one-shot. This is my first humor bit EVER, so I'm kinda apprehensive. With any luck, Peach's good sense of humor has overshadowed my lack thereof. Peace out.

Peach: HI PEOPLES! Just so you get the full enjoyment of this one shot- here is a link to the songs:

http / www. endlesspower . net / music . php


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